If it looks like a scream queen and sounds like a scream queen…. it might just be a jewelry ad gone wrong.
This Ain’t Scream—But At Least It’s Trying
I’m probably being slightly generous with a WORTHY badge here.
Still, there were enough elements of Heart Eyes that I genuinely admired, even if they weren’t executed as successfully as they should’ve been.
It’s sort of crucial, however, to walk in with the understanding, or at least quickly realize (as did I), that Heart Eyes is pure satire. It leans HARD into every absurd trope and eye-roll-inducing cliché of both the horror and rom-com genres with such reckless abandon that it’s completely impossible to take any given element seriously.
Fair warning: If you're not already giggling when the film opens with a Hallmark-grade vineyard proposal scored to Lonestar’s country power ballad “Amazed,” you’re just not operating on this movie’s wavelength. Might as well bail before the first kill anyway.
Unfortunately, due to somewhat lackluster editing choices, many attempts at sending up the worst elements of its cinematic brethren are ham-fisted enough that I wouldn’t entirely blame audiences for failing to comprehend that it’s all just mockery.
The OG Scream, this isn’t.
Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding deserve a bit better, but also… they kind of nailed it… The charisma is doing 80% of the narrative lifting.
Hot Enough to Survive the Script
Also not to blame are leads Olivia Holt (Totally Killer) and Mason Gooding (Booksmart, the rebooted Scream films) who make for possibly the most appealing screen couple I’ve ever seen in a horror film.
Holt is stunning enough to get us to forgive her insufferable jadedness and self-sabotage repeatedly.
And, though Gooding never entirely jumped out at me with supporting roles in his earlier films, he’s undeniably swoon-worthy here and makes for a compelling leading man.
Both actors have the It-factor in spades, and I now count myself a fan. It’s not just their appearances and charisma, either; they’re bona fide fine actors even while handily juggling the often ridiculous dialogue and situations they’ve been given.
Who needs logic when you’ve got love?
Rom-Com Logic in a Kill Zone
Although the absurdist opening alone should’ve communicated the film’s playfulness and lack of seriousness upfront, it also remains the most gruesome part of Heart Eyes in a way that may disappoint most formula fans.
The picture struggles with pacing, which isn’t entirely surprising given its attempt to so fully embrace two typically incompatible genres that few attempt to mash together with quite this measured balance. The result risks alienating both ends of its intended audience, though it still squeaks by on its charm.
That’s not to say that the film doesn’t bring the gore when needed—it does—but I’d actually give Heart Eyes credit in constructing two characters whose relationship I cared about in a way rarely seen in horror.
I’d even venture far enough to say that, while the love story aspects often take a back seat in most genre entries, Heart Eyes is way more successful in its romantic elements than as a slasher film.
The killer only uses night-vision heart-eyes for one scene. A crime. This entire aesthetic deserves its own trilogy.
More Heart Than Horror
Those who’ve read my earlier reviews of horror may be familiar with my frequent railing against the trope of “Talking is a Free Action” or the “Lethal Speech Impediment,” whereby characters inexplicably pause amid life-threatening situations to share heartfelt emotion and/or provide unnecessary backstory—most egregious of late in Radio Silence productions like Scream VI and Abigail.
This film repeatedly dials that absurdity to an 11 in ways that, while not always successful, are frequently laugh-out-loud funny if you’re so inclined.
Although perhaps less polished than Radio Silence’s recent efforts, Heart Eyes is a more unique and overall better movie than any of that team’s output since Ready or Not and, as a result, earns its recommendation on the SINemeter scale.
LEFTOVER BONBONS:
+ 3 points for having your marriage proposal interrupted by your boyfriend's custom ringtone... and it's the theme song to Magic Mike
+ 3 points for Gigi Zumbado as the unfiltered BFF. Needed way more of her.
- 3 points for not enough of the illuminated eyes on the admittedly nice mask design—that’s night-vision mode and it’s only employed briefly
+ 1 point because her jewelry ad campaign featuring doomed lovers, while ill-timed, was actually *really* inventive
- 5 points for some conspicuous rating trims that hurt a couple of the central kills
Deserving of a “Be Mine” candy—but only because they’re chalky and borderline inedible.
Cute in presentation. Sweet in theory. But kind of a rough swallow.
More Valentine’s Day-themed horror films, please.
📊 [PLAYBACK: RECEPTION]
Budget:$18M Worldwide Box Office:$32.9M
Cinema DEFCON Threat Assessment: 25 Days — Theatrical-to-Streaming Window
Verdict Turned a profit, sure—but barely set hearts aflutter. Released just in time for Valentine’s Day and dumped to streaming before the flowers wilted, the movie ghosted theaters like a bad Tinder date. It deserved better. Don’t we all.
🎬 [PLAYBACK: TRAILER]
The red-band theatrical trailer, if you want a few of the key kills ruined first.
